Editorial in the Duckettville Weekly, by Vince Verona, Owner
Due to the decline of their natural predators, squirrels are running amok here in Duckett County. The school kids are actually begging to stay in class to avoid random squirrel squadrons that are patrolling Main Street. Yesterday, a group of squirrels caused an explosion at Buggar Bogg’s filling station and then swarmed into the Checkered Flagg Restaurant when some old geezer left the door open. That’s when Dwight Beezer, who was sitting at the counter with 14 empty Budweiser bottles in front of him, proclaimed, “It’s the end of the world!” Said squirrels then scrambled from the premises and pursued a group of 1st graders that were exiting Duckett County Elementary School. The squirrels jumped the kids, but the teacher valiantly protected them until they finished her off. This teacher secretly had a crush on Rod Taylor who happened to be in love with Tippy Hendron. [No wait a minute – that was a flock of birds – not a squadron of squirrels. Scary movies from my childhood will occasionally take over as my fingers fly over my keyboard. After all, I am a transplant to the South, having grown up in South Chicago where danger lurks around every corner, so my childhood wasn’t exactly apple pie and watermelon.]
Back to the problem at hand. Some of you have taken upon yourselves to hunt down the squirrels within the city limits, much to the consternation of Sheriff Todd McPherson. This afternoon, he relieved 81-year-old Pearly Pilch of her double-barrel shotgun while she was flying around like a veritable heat-seeking missile on a mission to single-handedly reduce the squirrel population in Duckett County. This happened on Main Street (all two blocks of it), as I witnessed it through the window from inside the office of the Duckettville Weekly. I dashed outside and was able to interview Ms. Pilch while the sheriff was wresting her armament from her. She shouted, “When your refrigerator goes into self-defrost because a squirrel has chewed through your wires, then that’s the last straw.” I get it, but I must agree with the Kid with a Badge, squirrel shooting is jumping the gun. You Stone-ground Crackers, you Folk of Southern Appalachia, you Rotund Rascals and Breathy Brethren, you believe you are straight shooters, but I have news for you. [I have news and I’m the editor of the damn newspaper. Get it? Ha-ha.] Anyway, I have news for my fellow Duckettonians. Most of you can’t hit the side of a barn, even if said barn happens to be standing still.